Biker Jokes & Stuff

The Married Man's Chopper

"You gotta tell me how you got that thing to be faster than my Ferrari !" The old man looks up and replies, "OK..., but first, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror, will ya?"

A couple of bikers are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground and his eyes roll back in his head.  The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.  He gasps to the operator, "Help! Help! My friend Bubba is dead! What'll I do?"  The operator, in a calm voice, says, "Take it easy.  I can help.  First let's make sure he's really dead."
After a brief silence, a shot rings out, then the guy's voice comes back on the line. "OK, now what?"

A biker walks into a local bar.  After having a few ice cold beers he spots this hard bodied redhead.  Thinking she's got to be the sexiest damn thing he has ever seen, he sits down next to her.  After a couple more drinks he asks her if she would like to take a ride on his bike.  They ride out about 20 miles, and then she tells the biker, "There's something I should mention.  I am a professional and I get $30 the first time."  The biker thought a moment and gave her the $30.  After they were done, she asks him for a ride back to the bar.  The biker looks back with a smile and tells her, "There's something I should have mentioned.  I am a professional cab driver and the fare back will cost you $65."

One day my housework-challenged-boyfriend decided to wash his own sweatshirt.  Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied, "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Harley-Davidson."

"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!"
"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."
"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.  She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your biker club." The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.  So the biker asks her "You have a bike?" The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.  The biker asks her "Do you smoke?" The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke.  I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool." The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?" The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times." 
 

Morris, an 82 year-old biker, went to the doctor to get a physical.  A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"  Morris replied.  "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"  The doctor said, "I didn't say that.  I said ‘you've got a heart murmur.  Be careful.’"

An old biker was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening.  He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. . .
The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love.  While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it is wonderful that after all these years you still call your wife those loving pet names.
The old biker hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth.  I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

A ten year old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?"
"No!", said the boy, and he kept walking.  The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says, "Hey kid, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"No!", said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker.
The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride."
At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so you ride it!!

Bra Sizes (as defined by bikers!): Did you ever wonder why A, B, C, D, E, & F are used to define bra sizes?
A - Almost boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can do
D - Darn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake

You Might Be a Diehard Harley Rider, if:

#1: You call your bike your woman
#2: You treat it like it was your daughter
#3: You wash and polish it until it shines like a mirror
#4: You ride it more often than your wife (Hey, it can happen)
#5: You take it out to eat more than your wife
#6: You race against another bike and he loses
#7: You rev up your engine late at night and the neighbors start yelling
#8: You out ran the police
#9: You ride in a rally and everyone compliments you about how good you and your bike looks
#10: You watch bike shows on TV while relaxing in your armchair, drinking beer and buying Harley gear off the infomercials and off the internet

Two bikers walk into a roadhouse to wash the road dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about the new model Harleys.  Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.  One of the bikers looks at her and says, "kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head, no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.  The biker walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the biker walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.  His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lick Maneuver," but 'til today, I ain't never seen nobody do it."